A non-Religious Expulsion
This is one for the kids. Guys and girls, is their a nerd in your school? A kid with no real friends; a kid who has greasy hair and is trying (and failing) to grow a pathetic, scraggy beard; a kid with no social skills who spends all his free time on the computer? There must be, every school has them. And I bet, if you're honest, when you walk past him in the coridoor you whisper or say something horrible to him, or trip him up. Well next time don't; next time you pass him BEAT THE CUNT TO DEATH!!!!
Does this sound harsh? Well it fucking isn't and you know why? Because when he's at home, spending all his free time on his computer, he's not miserable wishing someone would be his friend, no, what he's really doing is writing the fucking viruses that infect my fucking computer when I'm trying to fucking work.
And he's a clever cock too, he always designs these viruses to sit somewhere you can't fucking delete them. Once a day, up comes the virus scan software which goes happily scanning away for a while until 'ping' "virus found"! Oh Fuck! Stupid bloody software, you update every day, how did the fucking thing get here in the first place?!? Oh well, right, instruct virus software to delete;
"Oh yeah but no but yeah but no but yeah but no but I can't do that and you know why, yeah?"
"Do tell."
"Well it's like, y'know in use."
"What is?"
"The virus."
"What do you mean it's in fucking use?!?!?"
"Yeah-no, I mean, yeah, no, the file like, y'know it's in use by the operating system and I can't do anything."
"So you're a pile of useless shite, then?"
"Well yeah but no but no. You can download this file on another computer and copy it to a write-protectable media. Then run your computer in safe mode and do lots of typing and instuctions and like, that'll get rid of it."
"Can't you just download an uninfected copy of the original file and overwrite?"
"No."
For fucks sake. By the time you've done all this the bloody computer's got another bloody virus and you have to do it all again. Before long all we'll do with computers is read e-mails and delete the viruses we get from them (incidentally all my viruses come from downloading illegal hardcore porn of vegetables and minerals (no animals); I'm not so stupid as to open unknown e-mail attachments). Erm.... Ok, moving hastily on.
And you know what makes it even worse? The fact that these fucking retarded tossers don't go on to a life of penal servitude and rectal-rapage by big tattooed blokes called Brian, oh no! They get jobs writing fucking anti-virus software!!!!! They create their own market, fuck everybody else's life up, then we pay them to sort it out by buying the damn software! I'll tell you what we should do (you'd probably guessed I would)! Post a job advert saying "anti-virus programmer wanted: experience with Windows security holes a must". Then when a candidate arrives, stick them on a lie detector and ask "how did you become familiar with Windows security holes?" Innocent people will say "isn't everyone?", virus writers will come clean (in theory). Then we execute the little arsehole.
Right, next: the winter olympics. What are they all about? I think a lot of the events are fun/exciting/interesting/compicated/skillful but I'm at a loss to understand what the hell is going on with most of them because:
1) I've never played any of them before, never even been skiing.
2) The commentators, i.e. the people whom I usually rely on to explain the rules and intricacies of a new sport to me, seem to have no more idea than me of what's happening than I do.
Take ice hockey. As a spectacle it seems exciting and I'm reliably assured that it is and there's lots to it. However, they keep stopping for something I believe (based entirely on a computer game I had years ago) is called a face-off. Fair enough, rugby (my favourite sport) keeps stopping for scrums, penalties and free kicks, nothing wrong with stops in a sport; but there I understand why. In ice hockey at the winter olympics I have no idea because, instead of explaining it, the commentator is talking about the material composition of the barrier around the rink, or the weight of the puck, or the fact that all the Swiss fans come from some town at the other end of some tunnel. I don't bloody care!! And the players keep smacking the puck the length of the rink to behind the other teams goal; is this good? Or is it desperate defence? I have no idea and so can't gain any appreciation for (or enjoyment out of) the sport.
Then there was some skiing (can't remember which, it all looks much the same), possibly the women's downhill. Here the commentator said "She's running well here", only for the spilt time to put whoever it was over 2 seconds behind the leader by just a third of the way down the hill. Then the same commentator said something like "This is not a good run for XX at all" when the split put her only 4 tenths of a second behind the leader. For God's sake, woman! If you can't say anything sensible then make like a Christian off-license during a Muslim cartoon protest and shut up.
And why the hell are the Koreans so good at speed skating?!?! They seem to be winning every event. Is korea awash with ice rinks? Isn't it really hot? What's going on? And why do all the American speed skaters have stupid names like Apollo and Rusty Bin (or something like that)? And don't get me started on curling! Any sport where a middle-aged Scottish housewife can win Olympic gold is not a sport! It's not that she's middle-aged or a housewife, but Scottish? Anyone who watches any sport worthy of the name knows the Scots never win anything! They don't even win the Highland games half the time!!
Right, it's half 11 (whatever time blogger claims I posted this) and I have work tomorrow so off to bed for me. If only I could find something useful to do with my time other than write stupid blogs (viruses maybe)?
Does this sound harsh? Well it fucking isn't and you know why? Because when he's at home, spending all his free time on his computer, he's not miserable wishing someone would be his friend, no, what he's really doing is writing the fucking viruses that infect my fucking computer when I'm trying to fucking work.
And he's a clever cock too, he always designs these viruses to sit somewhere you can't fucking delete them. Once a day, up comes the virus scan software which goes happily scanning away for a while until 'ping'
"Oh yeah but no but yeah but no but yeah but no but I can't do that and you know why, yeah?"
"Do tell."
"Well it's like, y'know in use."
"What is?"
"The virus."
"What do you mean it's in fucking use?!?!?"
"Yeah-no, I mean, yeah, no, the file like, y'know it's in use by the operating system and I can't do anything."
"So you're a pile of useless shite, then?"
"Well yeah but no but no. You can download this file on another computer and copy it to a write-protectable media. Then run your computer in safe mode and do lots of typing and instuctions and like, that'll get rid of it."
"Can't you just download an uninfected copy of the original file and overwrite?"
"No."
For fucks sake. By the time you've done all this the bloody computer's got another bloody virus and you have to do it all again. Before long all we'll do with computers is read e-mails and delete the viruses we get from them (incidentally all my viruses come from downloading illegal hardcore porn of vegetables and minerals (no animals); I'm not so stupid as to open unknown e-mail attachments). Erm.... Ok, moving hastily on.
And you know what makes it even worse? The fact that these fucking retarded tossers don't go on to a life of penal servitude and rectal-rapage by big tattooed blokes called Brian, oh no! They get jobs writing fucking anti-virus software!!!!! They create their own market, fuck everybody else's life up, then we pay them to sort it out by buying the damn software! I'll tell you what we should do (you'd probably guessed I would)! Post a job advert saying "anti-virus programmer wanted: experience with Windows security holes a must". Then when a candidate arrives, stick them on a lie detector and ask "how did you become familiar with Windows security holes?" Innocent people will say "isn't everyone?", virus writers will come clean (in theory). Then we execute the little arsehole.
Right, next: the winter olympics. What are they all about? I think a lot of the events are fun/exciting/interesting/compicated/skillful but I'm at a loss to understand what the hell is going on with most of them because:
1) I've never played any of them before, never even been skiing.
2) The commentators, i.e. the people whom I usually rely on to explain the rules and intricacies of a new sport to me, seem to have no more idea than me of what's happening than I do.
Take ice hockey. As a spectacle it seems exciting and I'm reliably assured that it is and there's lots to it. However, they keep stopping for something I believe (based entirely on a computer game I had years ago) is called a face-off. Fair enough, rugby (my favourite sport) keeps stopping for scrums, penalties and free kicks, nothing wrong with stops in a sport; but there I understand why. In ice hockey at the winter olympics I have no idea because, instead of explaining it, the commentator is talking about the material composition of the barrier around the rink, or the weight of the puck, or the fact that all the Swiss fans come from some town at the other end of some tunnel. I don't bloody care!! And the players keep smacking the puck the length of the rink to behind the other teams goal; is this good? Or is it desperate defence? I have no idea and so can't gain any appreciation for (or enjoyment out of) the sport.
Then there was some skiing (can't remember which, it all looks much the same), possibly the women's downhill. Here the commentator said "She's running well here", only for the spilt time to put whoever it was over 2 seconds behind the leader by just a third of the way down the hill. Then the same commentator said something like "This is not a good run for XX at all" when the split put her only 4 tenths of a second behind the leader. For God's sake, woman! If you can't say anything sensible then make like a Christian off-license during a Muslim cartoon protest and shut up.
And why the hell are the Koreans so good at speed skating?!?! They seem to be winning every event. Is korea awash with ice rinks? Isn't it really hot? What's going on? And why do all the American speed skaters have stupid names like Apollo and Rusty Bin (or something like that)? And don't get me started on curling! Any sport where a middle-aged Scottish housewife can win Olympic gold is not a sport! It's not that she's middle-aged or a housewife, but Scottish? Anyone who watches any sport worthy of the name knows the Scots never win anything! They don't even win the Highland games half the time!!
Right, it's half 11 (whatever time blogger claims I posted this) and I have work tomorrow so off to bed for me. If only I could find something useful to do with my time other than write stupid blogs (viruses maybe)?
posted by Dave's annoyed | 1:50 PM
4 Comments:
We beat the French.
But not the tournament. That was my point.
yeah, i couldn't give a fuck about the winter olympics. its for rich bastards who can afford to buy thier own double-glazing, without any benefit from the council, who are a bunch of wankers anyway, they have no respect. i called them the other day asked if i had any heating allowance and they told me to call the powergen, and im not even a member of thier electricity supply. the guy was no help, i think his name was wendy, but wait thats a girls name. oh man, what a twot!! seriously. yeah, i hate the winter olympics, it sucks! i guess you've had similar experiences, dave?
Mr T's Third Gold chain, Esq.
"I'd rather die of thirst than drink from the cup of mediocrity" - Stella Artois Group, Copyright 1998
I would have to agree, Mr T. It's reeeeaaaaaallllllllyyyyyyyyyyy dull.
1) Everything's time-trials, there's hardly any actual racing.
2) There's no beach volleyball.
3) All skiing, through gates or round poles is, repeat after me ski fans: EXACTLY THE FUCKING SAME!
4) Ice hockey is great now I'm getting a feeling for it, no help from the referred to commentator. You know what he said the other day "Here's this guy"; and this was his idea of informing the viewing public which player had the puck! WTF!?!
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