Who the fuck are the British Skin Foundation?
I hate marketing. Specifically marketing done by people who have studied marketing. Marketing produced by people who have studied marketing is invariably shit. Guinness produces (and has always produced) the best adverts in history. Why? Because they don't use marketing graduates (so says the history section of the Guinness brewery museum in Dublin), they use a group of Guinness lovers sat in a room, drinking Guinness.
Now I don't know that the companies who produce the worst adverts (we'll be getting to that later) use marketing graduates, but the 1000's of graduates coming off marketing courses must be going somewhere. And their adverts are at best crap, worse patronizing, and at worst hideously offensive.
Take the adverts for a new lottery thingy, can't remember what it's called, Play Monday or some such (can you tell how effective their marketing has been?). They consist of some guy in a white biology clean room outfit wandering round talking patronizingly to people in a voice that makes him sound like he was born 30 weeks prematurely with no brain and then proceeded to be dropped on his head, repeatedly. You have to see it to understand quite how awful it is. Who on Earth could possibly have thought that such offensive, patronizing, banal sputum would sell? And who the fuck commissioned it?!?
What else? Oh yes, those auto-puffing air fresheners that squirt weird smelling chemicals into your living room every few minutes. There's an advert for one of those where some daft child sits there counting the bloody puffs and gets to some stupid number during the course of the ad whilst his mum looks on smiling. Just makes me want to scream FOR FUCKS SAKE, WOMAN! YOUR CHILD IS RETARDED!! (or, in political correct speak: autistic).
Then there's bloody washing powders, dishwasher tablets, household cleaners, and all other sorts of cleaning products. Every time they bring out something new, there's a "real" demonstration of it getting some object spotlessly clean next to a comparison object with a competitor's product that's really dirty. But then, a few months later, they bring out a better version, and to convince us that it's better, they have to compare it next to the original, which is now mysteriously not getting the same objects clean. Case for the Advertising Standards Agency if ever there was one.
And how about the male hair colouring stuff: Just For Men, the product that not only disguises your grey hair, but changes your facial features completely into those of someone else.
And Organics shampoo. The shampoo that makes you cum. Yeah right; if that really existed it would always be sold out.
Lastly (although not finally, I'm just getting really bored), there's all the anti-wrinkle stuff. Some fucking 20-year-old comes on and tries to prove it was the wonderful skin cream that has made her not wrinkly. Of course, luv; and I suppose the fact that you didn't have any fucking wrinkles to start with has nothing to do with it. These products are all full of fancily-named compounds that you've never heard of, because they don't exist and the names have been invented to make the product sound 'sciency'. It's all just bollocks (out of interest, has anyone tried applying wrinkle-cream to bollocks; they're fairly wrinkly.); if you really are pretty, it'll show through the wrinkles, if not, well you're just going to look fake; Botoxbenzamethylisopentatholafen-Q will do sod all. Laboratwat Garnier are amongst the worst offenders here, claiming their research is "supported by the British Skin Foundation". Who the fuck are the British Skin Foundation? Are they real people? Have they any relevant qualifications? Do they do anything but endorse Garnier stuff?
Hm, it has just occurred that maybe their marketing has worked. I've noticed their adverts enough to get really pissed off with them. Argh! I've been outsmarted by marketing graduates! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! Bastards!
Right, in that case, better move on. Chantelle. For those that don't know who she is: lucky-fucking-you. But seriously, she's the dumb-blonde (never was the phrase better applied) who, despite not being a 'celebrity', won 'celebrity' Big Brother a while back. She's all fake. Peroxide hair, fake tan, running round screaming "Oh my God!!!" at the top of her voice all the fucking time, and thick as pig shit that's been reduced over a high heat for several hours (cooking joke all you microwave dinner people out there). I hate people who are fake. Anyone who greets you for the first time with "Oh my GOD!!! HEEELLLLLOOOOOO!!!" falls into this category. No-one is ever this happy to meet someone they don't know. It's all acting up for attention; twats.
Ah, and a new study has revealed that some apes are capable of forward planning:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/sci/tech/4996942.stm
This is great. It finally proves what I've been saying all along: that the guys building the extension to my office block could be replaced with monkeys. Honestly, they keep building temporary wheelchair access ramps to my office, then having to tear them down as they've put them somewhere something subsequently has to be built. We must be on number 4 in 2 months by now, at least. Think ahead, please!!!!
Ok, that's enough for now. A great weekend of telly beckons. We've got Eurovision and the new Big Brother and I've no intention of watching either. I'd best get home so I can ignore them from the comfort of my sofa!
Now I don't know that the companies who produce the worst adverts (we'll be getting to that later) use marketing graduates, but the 1000's of graduates coming off marketing courses must be going somewhere. And their adverts are at best crap, worse patronizing, and at worst hideously offensive.
Take the adverts for a new lottery thingy, can't remember what it's called, Play Monday or some such (can you tell how effective their marketing has been?). They consist of some guy in a white biology clean room outfit wandering round talking patronizingly to people in a voice that makes him sound like he was born 30 weeks prematurely with no brain and then proceeded to be dropped on his head, repeatedly. You have to see it to understand quite how awful it is. Who on Earth could possibly have thought that such offensive, patronizing, banal sputum would sell? And who the fuck commissioned it?!?
What else? Oh yes, those auto-puffing air fresheners that squirt weird smelling chemicals into your living room every few minutes. There's an advert for one of those where some daft child sits there counting the bloody puffs and gets to some stupid number during the course of the ad whilst his mum looks on smiling. Just makes me want to scream FOR FUCKS SAKE, WOMAN! YOUR CHILD IS RETARDED!! (or, in political correct speak: autistic).
Then there's bloody washing powders, dishwasher tablets, household cleaners, and all other sorts of cleaning products. Every time they bring out something new, there's a "real" demonstration of it getting some object spotlessly clean next to a comparison object with a competitor's product that's really dirty. But then, a few months later, they bring out a better version, and to convince us that it's better, they have to compare it next to the original, which is now mysteriously not getting the same objects clean. Case for the Advertising Standards Agency if ever there was one.
And how about the male hair colouring stuff: Just For Men, the product that not only disguises your grey hair, but changes your facial features completely into those of someone else.
And Organics shampoo. The shampoo that makes you cum. Yeah right; if that really existed it would always be sold out.
Lastly (although not finally, I'm just getting really bored), there's all the anti-wrinkle stuff. Some fucking 20-year-old comes on and tries to prove it was the wonderful skin cream that has made her not wrinkly. Of course, luv; and I suppose the fact that you didn't have any fucking wrinkles to start with has nothing to do with it. These products are all full of fancily-named compounds that you've never heard of, because they don't exist and the names have been invented to make the product sound 'sciency'. It's all just bollocks (out of interest, has anyone tried applying wrinkle-cream to bollocks; they're fairly wrinkly.); if you really are pretty, it'll show through the wrinkles, if not, well you're just going to look fake; Botoxbenzamethylisopentatholafen-Q will do sod all. Laboratwat Garnier are amongst the worst offenders here, claiming their research is "supported by the British Skin Foundation". Who the fuck are the British Skin Foundation? Are they real people? Have they any relevant qualifications? Do they do anything but endorse Garnier stuff?
Hm, it has just occurred that maybe their marketing has worked. I've noticed their adverts enough to get really pissed off with them. Argh! I've been outsmarted by marketing graduates! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! Bastards!
Right, in that case, better move on. Chantelle. For those that don't know who she is: lucky-fucking-you. But seriously, she's the dumb-blonde (never was the phrase better applied) who, despite not being a 'celebrity', won 'celebrity' Big Brother a while back. She's all fake. Peroxide hair, fake tan, running round screaming "Oh my God!!!" at the top of her voice all the fucking time, and thick as pig shit that's been reduced over a high heat for several hours (cooking joke all you microwave dinner people out there). I hate people who are fake. Anyone who greets you for the first time with "Oh my GOD!!! HEEELLLLLOOOOOO!!!" falls into this category. No-one is ever this happy to meet someone they don't know. It's all acting up for attention; twats.
Ah, and a new study has revealed that some apes are capable of forward planning:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/sci/tech/4996942.stm
This is great. It finally proves what I've been saying all along: that the guys building the extension to my office block could be replaced with monkeys. Honestly, they keep building temporary wheelchair access ramps to my office, then having to tear them down as they've put them somewhere something subsequently has to be built. We must be on number 4 in 2 months by now, at least. Think ahead, please!!!!
Ok, that's enough for now. A great weekend of telly beckons. We've got Eurovision and the new Big Brother and I've no intention of watching either. I'd best get home so I can ignore them from the comfort of my sofa!
posted by Dave's annoyed | 1:49 AM
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