Gods and Gays.

Today is a momentous day. 100's of years of strife, hatred, persecution, and murder are coming to an end. The three major old world religions are being reconciled. That's right, after 1500 years of Christians, Jews, and Muslims killing each other in any and every way they could think of, from swords and catapults, through fire and torture, to gas chambers and blowing themselves to pieces, the devout have finally found a mutual figure of hatred they can focus all their murderous energies on. The love thy fellow man brigade and the respecters of all beliefs have stopped killing people who believe a slightly different version of a fairytale and instead have found someone else they can all villify together.

Pufters.

Yes Christians, Jews, and Muslims are gathering outside the House of Lords to protest against new legislation banning "discrimination in the provision of goods, facilities and services on the basis of sexuality". They claim this legislation "could replace discrimination on the grounds of sexual orientation with discrimination on religious grounds" [Ade Omooba, rally organiser] as it would require them "to actively condone and promote sexual practices which the Bible teaches are wrong" [Barrister Thomas Cordrey, of the Lawyers' Christian Fellowship]. Cordrey described it as "a fundamental matter of freedom of conscience". Now I'm not sure how his conscience makes the decision that the Bible's teaching of (homosexuals = evil) is somehow more conscienable than it's teaching of love thy fellow man, but evidently it has, as has the conscience of a great many believers.

But let's take this to it's logical extreme (always a bad move with religion). The protesters argument is based on being required to do things against their religion's ancient text teachings by law. In this case it's e.g. civil partnership ceremonies must be allowed in churches, or renting guest house double rooms to gay couples. But it doesn't have to be just this example. All religions, whether directly or by implication, say all other religions are wrong; hence the requirement of not witholding goods and services on religious discrimination grounds (the very right they're hiding behind now) also requires them to do something which goes against their moral teachings. Atheists and agnostics also cannot be given or sold anything by the faithful; let's face it, we're even worse than the followers of others religions; so I don't want any more silly little badges of Christ or copies of "How Islam Respects Women" thank you very much.

So to some up, if the believers were really serious about this, no Christian or Jew could ever buy saffron again. And woe betide and Musim with a penchant for bagels (although there probably aren't too many of those).

But this argument is, of course, faceatious. Religion will always find something to fight against because, as humanity's understanding of the world grows, more and more of the tenements of religion crumble; geocentric universe, heresy, creationalism, and now homosexuality. Perhaps we can turn this unusual coming together of minds to our advantage. There are plenty of places where religious tensions are causing the usual turmoil; Iraq being a prime example. Perhaps if we ship a cargo ship's worth of rectal cowboys out there, Bush's crusading Christian warriors and bin Laden's swords of Islam would focus on them for a bit whilst the country attempts to actually rebuild.

Now, it may have come as a shock to some that, after paragraphs of defending gays in the face of religious onslaught, I suddenly come out with the not exactly complementary term, rectal cowboys. Well the reason for this is that bum bandits people piss me off too; specifically the ones who push it (not literally, so far) in your face all the time. Why the hell do we need so many gay pride marches? What have they got to be so damn proud about? Sticking your willy up another man's one-way shit tube does not seem to me to be something most people would stand on a float in a parade in the middle of a large capital city and shout about. Indeed, if you did in any context other than a gay pride event, you'd probably be arrested for gross public indecency. They have so much damn pride, we should be able to use any terms to descride them we like;

ass masters
pillow chewers
lovers of the brown-stained pole

Now lesbians; something that, in principle should be wonderful. But I hate them too. Why? Because they never live up to the promise of my teenage years watching dubious videos from dubious shops. There's always a feminine-ish one, i.e. could just about pass for a woman but you wouldn't cross a crowded bar to introduce yourself kind of level, and a big brutish one who looks like a Russian drill sergeant. Presumably the big one spends most evenings poking a dildo into the other one; makes you wonder why the little one didn't just go out with a fat sweaty bloke in the first place; would've saved the price of a plastic cock.

But I jest, of course. Homosexuality is a natural thing. You get gay pigs, rather demolishing the argument that it's a lifestyle choice. But my being an ugly geek is also a natural thing; I'm just waiting for the legislation that makes it illegal for hot women to withold sex on this basis :-)

Still waiting..........

I'll get back to you.