Suicide Jehovah's Witnesses!
Woo-hoo! Thanks to a ground-breaking precedent it is now legal to marry your mother-in-law (after getting divorced, of course); in fact, it is legal to marry any of your in-laws of the opposite genderal persuasion (unless that one went whilst I was on holiday too). I would just like to put into writing for posterity how glad I am that some high-flying lawyer has been paid a lot of money to win this precedent for us all to enjoy....
Christ! There are some fucking useless people in the world (besides the aforementioned lawyer); I'm talking about the kind of person who's greatest contribution was to rename 'personnel' departments 'human resources', the kind of person who photographs Paris Hilton for a living, Paris Hilton, anyone who appears on Big Brother, and the idiots who turn up on the doorstep to try and convert me into their cult. What's the bloody point of trying to get people to make life-changing decisions at the door? Has it ever worked? Once? No, it hasn't, and hence is the epitome of uselessness!
What the hell is the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints anyway? Are any of them canonised? What is a latter-day saint? The name isn't even grammatically correct (well, maybe dubiously)! And they're not a church, they're a bunch of irritating morons (moron, Mormon, coincidence?) going around wasting their lives having doors slammed in their face.
As you may have gathered by now, time-wasting pisses me off (probably because I do so much of it I'm sick of the sight of it); as such, I have a suggestion for any mormons that may improve their front-door-conversion rates: learn from fundamentalist Islam! Suicide Jehovah's Witnesses! Lets face it, who would you be more likely to be converted by? A silly little bloke who can't grow a beard waving a book at you or a silly little bloke who can't grow a beard waving a bomb at you? The membership of the church would go through the roof.
A second (possibly slightly less realistic) idea would be to actually recruit Jesus to canvas people at home. You have to admit, it would be pretty powerful, the Son of God turning up at the door...
Doorbell rings: "ding-dong-ding-dong-dong-ding-ding-dong".
Beardy bloke on the doorstep (in saintly voice): "Greetings, I am your father."
Home-owner (distraught): "No! That's not true! That's impossible!"
Beardy bloke on the doorstep (in saintly voice): "Search your feelings, you know it to be true."
Home-owner (even more distraught): "NOOOOOOOOOO!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"
Beardy bloke on the doorstep (in saintly voice, but with a megalomaniac stare): "Join me, and together we can rule the galaxy."
Home-owner (defiant): "I'll never join you."
Hm, ok, so maybe that tactic is poor. But if the home-owner responded slightly more positively....
Doorbell rings: "ding-dong-ding-dong-dong-ding-ding-dong".
Beardy bloke on the doorstep (in saintly voice): "Greetings, I am your father."
Home-owner (skeptical): "You a Jehovah's Witness?"
Beardy bloke on the doorstep (slightly surprised): "Well, I guess you could put it that way."
Then Jesus could use all his powers of persuasion (or just his omnipotency) to win the guy over. Right, that's enough Jehovah's Witness bashing for now.
Why are the toilets in my department always blocked? What do people flush down there? Not much would appear to be the answer as, every time I go in, at least 25% of the cubicles have been rendered unusable by people stuffing half a bog roll (used and dirty, of course) down and not even attempting to flush the thing! What the fuck is wrong with these people?
1) It never, no matter what has happened, takes half a roll to clean your arse.
2) If, for whatever weird reason, you decide to use this much, take it in stages; that way everything can be disposed of cleanly and safely, with no toilet overflowing or drain blockages.
3) No matter what, flush the damn thing when you're done! Forgetting to check that everything went down and leaving a floater is just about acceptable if it was an honest mistake, but not flushing at all is inexcusable.
And we can't even blame scummy undergrads either because the problem has been just as bad whilst they're away! And it's not just one person, either (unless he requires 4 or 5 shits a day) as there're always several cubicles out of action. (WARNING: The next few sentences were added by a BNP member who hacked into my blog and do not represent the views of the author of the rest of the blog) You know who it is, don't you? It's all these foreigners coming from countries where the shitter has yet to be invented; coming over here, wiping their arses with their left hands, not flushing paper for fear of the drainage system being overstretched, squatting with their feet on the seat and missing with half of it! Never mind Blunkett's or Clarke's (or whoever the hell's idea it was) idea of compulsory citizenship tests for people wanting to move here; we should have one, simple, practical exam: can you use a toilet; if not, fuck off home! And another thing......
Erk! Right, that's him blocked. Will try not to let him on again. He may have had a point, though?
Christ! There are some fucking useless people in the world (besides the aforementioned lawyer); I'm talking about the kind of person who's greatest contribution was to rename 'personnel' departments 'human resources', the kind of person who photographs Paris Hilton for a living, Paris Hilton, anyone who appears on Big Brother, and the idiots who turn up on the doorstep to try and convert me into their cult. What's the bloody point of trying to get people to make life-changing decisions at the door? Has it ever worked? Once? No, it hasn't, and hence is the epitome of uselessness!
What the hell is the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints anyway? Are any of them canonised? What is a latter-day saint? The name isn't even grammatically correct (well, maybe dubiously)! And they're not a church, they're a bunch of irritating morons (moron, Mormon, coincidence?) going around wasting their lives having doors slammed in their face.
As you may have gathered by now, time-wasting pisses me off (probably because I do so much of it I'm sick of the sight of it); as such, I have a suggestion for any mormons that may improve their front-door-conversion rates: learn from fundamentalist Islam! Suicide Jehovah's Witnesses! Lets face it, who would you be more likely to be converted by? A silly little bloke who can't grow a beard waving a book at you or a silly little bloke who can't grow a beard waving a bomb at you? The membership of the church would go through the roof.
A second (possibly slightly less realistic) idea would be to actually recruit Jesus to canvas people at home. You have to admit, it would be pretty powerful, the Son of God turning up at the door...
Doorbell rings: "ding-dong-ding-dong-dong-ding-ding-dong".
Beardy bloke on the doorstep (in saintly voice): "Greetings, I am your father."
Home-owner (distraught): "No! That's not true! That's impossible!"
Beardy bloke on the doorstep (in saintly voice): "Search your feelings, you know it to be true."
Home-owner (even more distraught): "NOOOOOOOOOO!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"
Beardy bloke on the doorstep (in saintly voice, but with a megalomaniac stare): "Join me, and together we can rule the galaxy."
Home-owner (defiant): "I'll never join you."
Hm, ok, so maybe that tactic is poor. But if the home-owner responded slightly more positively....
Doorbell rings: "ding-dong-ding-dong-dong-ding-ding-dong".
Beardy bloke on the doorstep (in saintly voice): "Greetings, I am your father."
Home-owner (skeptical): "You a Jehovah's Witness?"
Beardy bloke on the doorstep (slightly surprised): "Well, I guess you could put it that way."
Then Jesus could use all his powers of persuasion (or just his omnipotency) to win the guy over. Right, that's enough Jehovah's Witness bashing for now.
Why are the toilets in my department always blocked? What do people flush down there? Not much would appear to be the answer as, every time I go in, at least 25% of the cubicles have been rendered unusable by people stuffing half a bog roll (used and dirty, of course) down and not even attempting to flush the thing! What the fuck is wrong with these people?
1) It never, no matter what has happened, takes half a roll to clean your arse.
2) If, for whatever weird reason, you decide to use this much, take it in stages; that way everything can be disposed of cleanly and safely, with no toilet overflowing or drain blockages.
3) No matter what, flush the damn thing when you're done! Forgetting to check that everything went down and leaving a floater is just about acceptable if it was an honest mistake, but not flushing at all is inexcusable.
And we can't even blame scummy undergrads either because the problem has been just as bad whilst they're away! And it's not just one person, either (unless he requires 4 or 5 shits a day) as there're always several cubicles out of action. (WARNING: The next few sentences were added by a BNP member who hacked into my blog and do not represent the views of the author of the rest of the blog) You know who it is, don't you? It's all these foreigners coming from countries where the shitter has yet to be invented; coming over here, wiping their arses with their left hands, not flushing paper for fear of the drainage system being overstretched, squatting with their feet on the seat and missing with half of it! Never mind Blunkett's or Clarke's (or whoever the hell's idea it was) idea of compulsory citizenship tests for people wanting to move here; we should have one, simple, practical exam: can you use a toilet; if not, fuck off home! And another thing......
Erk! Right, that's him blocked. Will try not to let him on again. He may have had a point, though?
posted by Dave's annoyed | 6:02 AM
|
3 comments
