Roast Delia for 5 minutes, grate two whole administrators and burn the lot!

Bloody Delia Smith! She has to be the stupidest woman in the history of the world. When she's not bawling drunkenly at Norwich City fans, she's writing the most convoluted recipes I've ever seen. To paraphrase a friend, she's the only person who can make instructions to butter toast last 3 days! Just looked at her recipe for pancakes on the BBC (thinking some good topping ideas might be forthcoming), and it's PARAGRAPHS long. And it's fucking wrong! Salt does not, repeat NOT go into pancake batter (not sweet pancakes, anyway, which is what she was making); it only goes into Yorkshire pudding batter! This is the main reason Yorkshire puddings don't taste like pancakes! Moron! Some things that are not necessary, Delia:

1) "Sift the flour and salt into a large mixing bowl with a sieve held high above the bowl so the flour gets a airing." - 2 things (besides the earlier salt comment): 1, the flour does not need sifting, it works fine just spooned in. 2, if you insist on sifting, it doesn't bloody matter how high the sieve is held! Sifting is sifting, independent of falling distance; and if you know what sifting is, you'll know how to do it anyway!

2) "When all the liquid has been added, use a rubber spatula to scrape any elusive bits of flour from around the edge into the centre" - Typical Delia this one. A RUBBER spatula, eh? Rubber? No, damn you! I want to use a plastic one and there isn't a damn thing you can do about it! And who cares about a couple of batter dregs anyway?

3) "Now melt the 50g/2oz [a very approx conversion, but that would be pedantic] of butter in a pan. Spoon 2 tbsp of it into the batter and whisk it in" - No! This is unnecessary. The butter will mix quite adequately when batter is added to the pan; save yourselves another of Delia's time-wasting steps.

4) "Stack the pancakes as you make them between sheets of greaseproof paper on a plate fitted over simmering water, to keep them warm while you make the rest." - This will not work, heard it before, and tried it. Steam escaping from the pan will render the edges of the pancakes soggy. Put them in a preheated oven on around 50-100 degrees (C, obviously). They will keep fine (especially if covered) for the few minutes it takes to make lots!

Right, enough Delia. Let's move onto Americans. Apparently there's a new horror film out (called Hostel, I believe) where some backpackers are kidnapped and tortured in a Slovakian hostel. In the film, Slovakia is apparently portrayed as a backward country filled with psychotic evil people. The (American) director has defended his film by saying it was designed to mock American audiences with its unrealistic depiction of a country most Americans would never of heard of. Fair enough, I thought, mock them Yanks! But then the director rather shot himself in the foot. All the supposed Slovak locals don't, as might be expected, speak Slovak, he's got them speaking Czech. Now maybe this is part of the joke, but it seems rather pointless to me.

And enough on Yanks (fast moving stuff today, eh?): administrators! They're all fucking, usless, lazy cunts! Ok, this is an unfair generalisation; the one's I am having dealings with now are fucking, useless, lazy cunts. Specificaly my Uni's finance department. I had to make a claim for flights and car parking at Heathrow for a trip for work; having returned, I'm sure you're glad to hear, safe and well, I submitted a perfectly reasonable claim, with documentation, for the flights, the parking, and the mileage. And that was it. But guess what, I've just had it sent back with: "There is no documentary proof enclosed of your hotel claim". What the fuck!?!? Of course there fucking isn't, because I'm not making one!! I could've understood if they'd argued with me on the grounds I could have coached it to Heathrow and saved money, but refusing my claim because I didn't include something I'm not claiming for! For fucks sake these people are utter morons! Now I suppose it's going to take weeks to get my £400 back. Good thing I'm not living on the breadline or I'd be a bit fucked with the rent bill coming up. Do these people not understand that their utter incompetance makes everyone else's life (sometimes much) harder? Why aren't they fired and replaced with someone who can read?!? Oh yeah, because that would be discrimination on grounds of illiteracy. Bastards.

A non-Religious Expulsion

This is one for the kids. Guys and girls, is their a nerd in your school? A kid with no real friends; a kid who has greasy hair and is trying (and failing) to grow a pathetic, scraggy beard; a kid with no social skills who spends all his free time on the computer? There must be, every school has them. And I bet, if you're honest, when you walk past him in the coridoor you whisper or say something horrible to him, or trip him up. Well next time don't; next time you pass him BEAT THE CUNT TO DEATH!!!!

Does this sound harsh? Well it fucking isn't and you know why? Because when he's at home, spending all his free time on his computer, he's not miserable wishing someone would be his friend, no, what he's really doing is writing the fucking viruses that infect my fucking computer when I'm trying to fucking work.

And he's a clever cock too, he always designs these viruses to sit somewhere you can't fucking delete them. Once a day, up comes the virus scan software which goes happily scanning away for a while until 'ping' "virus found"! Oh Fuck! Stupid bloody software, you update every day, how did the fucking thing get here in the first place?!? Oh well, right, instruct virus software to delete;

"Oh yeah but no but yeah but no but yeah but no but I can't do that and you know why, yeah?"
"Do tell."
"Well it's like, y'know in use."
"What is?"
"The virus."
"What do you mean it's in fucking use?!?!?"
"Yeah-no, I mean, yeah, no, the file like, y'know it's in use by the operating system and I can't do anything."
"So you're a pile of useless shite, then?"
"Well yeah but no but no. You can download this file on another computer and copy it to a write-protectable media. Then run your computer in safe mode and do lots of typing and instuctions and like, that'll get rid of it."
"Can't you just download an uninfected copy of the original file and overwrite?"
"No."

For fucks sake. By the time you've done all this the bloody computer's got another bloody virus and you have to do it all again. Before long all we'll do with computers is read e-mails and delete the viruses we get from them (incidentally all my viruses come from downloading illegal hardcore porn of vegetables and minerals (no animals); I'm not so stupid as to open unknown e-mail attachments). Erm.... Ok, moving hastily on.

And you know what makes it even worse? The fact that these fucking retarded tossers don't go on to a life of penal servitude and rectal-rapage by big tattooed blokes called Brian, oh no! They get jobs writing fucking anti-virus software!!!!! They create their own market, fuck everybody else's life up, then we pay them to sort it out by buying the damn software! I'll tell you what we should do (you'd probably guessed I would)! Post a job advert saying "anti-virus programmer wanted: experience with Windows security holes a must". Then when a candidate arrives, stick them on a lie detector and ask "how did you become familiar with Windows security holes?" Innocent people will say "isn't everyone?", virus writers will come clean (in theory). Then we execute the little arsehole.

Right, next: the winter olympics. What are they all about? I think a lot of the events are fun/exciting/interesting/compicated/skillful but I'm at a loss to understand what the hell is going on with most of them because:

1) I've never played any of them before, never even been skiing.
2) The commentators, i.e. the people whom I usually rely on to explain the rules and intricacies of a new sport to me, seem to have no more idea than me of what's happening than I do.

Take ice hockey. As a spectacle it seems exciting and I'm reliably assured that it is and there's lots to it. However, they keep stopping for something I believe (based entirely on a computer game I had years ago) is called a face-off. Fair enough, rugby (my favourite sport) keeps stopping for scrums, penalties and free kicks, nothing wrong with stops in a sport; but there I understand why. In ice hockey at the winter olympics I have no idea because, instead of explaining it, the commentator is talking about the material composition of the barrier around the rink, or the weight of the puck, or the fact that all the Swiss fans come from some town at the other end of some tunnel. I don't bloody care!! And the players keep smacking the puck the length of the rink to behind the other teams goal; is this good? Or is it desperate defence? I have no idea and so can't gain any appreciation for (or enjoyment out of) the sport.

Then there was some skiing (can't remember which, it all looks much the same), possibly the women's downhill. Here the commentator said "She's running well here", only for the spilt time to put whoever it was over 2 seconds behind the leader by just a third of the way down the hill. Then the same commentator said something like "This is not a good run for XX at all" when the split put her only 4 tenths of a second behind the leader. For God's sake, woman! If you can't say anything sensible then make like a Christian off-license during a Muslim cartoon protest and shut up.

And why the hell are the Koreans so good at speed skating?!?! They seem to be winning every event. Is korea awash with ice rinks? Isn't it really hot? What's going on? And why do all the American speed skaters have stupid names like Apollo and Rusty Bin (or something like that)? And don't get me started on curling! Any sport where a middle-aged Scottish housewife can win Olympic gold is not a sport! It's not that she's middle-aged or a housewife, but Scottish? Anyone who watches any sport worthy of the name knows the Scots never win anything! They don't even win the Highland games half the time!!

Right, it's half 11 (whatever time blogger claims I posted this) and I have work tomorrow so off to bed for me. If only I could find something useful to do with my time other than write stupid blogs (viruses maybe)?

Religious (mostly Islam) Satire: Piss off and don't read if you're going to get offended.

Right, enough is e-fucking-nough. Apparently now the West is hypocritical because freedom of speech allows the publication of Muhammad-bashing cartoons but not Holocaust denial material (so according to Muslims and non-Muslims on BBC have your say pages and some bloke on channel 4 news last night who is blatantly too stupid to be allowed to air his opinion anywhere). Ok, several points here:
1) The Holocaust was an actual event that involved the cold-blooded murder of millions of innocent people; the current hiatus was caused by cartoons that caused a bit of (or even a lot of) offense. And Muhammad is a figment of delusional imaginations, so get some fucking perspective.
2) There are still many people alive who lost friends and relatives in the Holocaust, or who lived through it. Holocaust denial can cause them immense amounts of hurt, not just some offense.
3) The Holocaust happened and we need to remember it to ensure it is never repeated (as would happen in Israel if they didn't have the nuclear deterrent).
4) Holocaust denial is illegal, satire is not (thank fuck).

And now Muslim countires around the world are demanding an apology. Fuck off. When you apologise for what your citizens/religious brothers did on 9/11 and 7/7; when there's an apology for the Bali bombing, the massacre of tourists at Luxor, the purges in Darfur, the Beslan school atrocity, and the beheadings of peace-campaigners in Iraq; when there's an apology for the repeated murder of women and children on the streets of Jerusalem (not very fucking likely when there are Jews involved. I'm at a loss to understand what the Jews ever did to cause such blind hatred amongst the Muslim world; it's far older than the Middle East crisis). When all these apologies are made; when Muslims across the world come out in protest at these murderous events rather than a stupid cartoon; then, maybe then an apology should be considered.

And apparently we have double-standards elsewhere too because Abu Hamza was convicted of inciting hatred whilst BNP leader Nick Griffin got off. Now, I don't like Griffin or what he says, but he is just a bigot who stirs up a few other bigots; Abu Hamza recruited and groomed young, impressionable Muslim men to become suicide bombers. Double standards? Damn-fucking-right there are double standards, but they're not in the West. And apparently Hamza is being made a scapegoat; apparently he's only repeating what's in the Koran and the same kinds of statements are made in Mosques up and down Britain every week! Am I then the only one who thinks that the Koran should be made illegal under (existing) incitment laws and that we should be closely monitoring/arresting/deporting vast numbers of people who are preaching this dangerous shit.

I'm sick of hearing how Islam is a peaceful religion. Most religions aren't peaceful in the slightest, calling down fire and brimstone on anyone who dares believe something else or sending people they don't like for an eternity of torture at the hands of some big red bloke. Most wars are either religiously motivated or religion is used as a powerful rallying cry. The believers would then claim that it is those who misuse religion, not religion itself that is the problem; by that argument guns are peaceful, it's just the people who use them who are dangerous, and that is partially true but it would be fucking difficult to shoot someone without one.

I believe, ironically, religion is the best argument against God. Surely an 'all-loving' father/creator would not impose something so divisive and destructive on us, and he wouldn't condemn us to eternal damnation if we refused to believe. I have loving father and he never sat me down and demanded I believe in General Relavtivity or he'd nail me to the wall in the basement and torture me for the rest of my days. A loving parent doesn't do that kind of thing.

Hm, this post has been too serious. I'm sure I started this blog for faintly amusing ranting purposes. Next time I promise something (attempting to be) funnier. Just to tide you over:

What do you call a man with dead pig meat on his head? Hamed.
What do you call a man with lots of dead pig on his head? Mo-hamed.
What do you call a capitalist with lots of dead pig on his head? Profit Mo-Hamed

Hahahahaha, erm.... Hm, note to self: Must try harder.

Religious hatred, it's everywhere

N.B - This post is about freedom of expression, not a hatred of Islam (which I don't possess). The reason Islam features so prominently is entirely due to the nature of recent news stories I discuss (and the fault that Islam features so prominently in those is not of mine).

By now most people must be aware of the massive outrage caused in the Muslim world by the publication in a Danish newspaper of 12 cartoons depicting the Prophet Muhammad in a variety of poses. Of the 12 cartoons, one was offensive (Muhammad with a bomb for a hat), one was hilarious (Muhammad greeting smoking suicide bombers at the gates of heaven with the phrase "sorry, we've run out of virgins"), and the rest were bland, inoffensive, and pointless. But as usual, out come the gangs of angry young men burning flags in the street, bomb scares cause the evacuation of the publishers, and death threats against completely unconnected Danish citizens across the world.

At first the Western response was typical: "Oh, we're sorry, we didn't mean any offense". Repeatedly and humbly begging for the forgiveness of gangs of thugs who use threats of violence to get what they want (i.e. criminals). But now something interesting has happened: a number of European newspapers have issued a big 'fuck you' to those in the Arab world who rant and rave and threaten by reprinting the cartoons under headlines such as "Yes, we have the right to caricature God".

This for me is one of the most important news stories of recent months. Offending Muslims and bringing out the flag-burners is a daily occurrence (don't these guys have jobs? What, they're unemployed? Then don't you think protesting that the government of their country isn't creating work would be more pressing? Just a thought); but not bowing before the death threats! This is a new and extremely positive move.

Correct me if I'm wrong but freedom of expression is what defines our society, and has done for many-a-decade. The lack of it is what defines the Arab world. Before you complain about this assertion, think if you can name an Arabic nation where speaking out in public against the government or Islam doesn't attract death threats (Fatwas: They even have a fucking word for it!!!) or (more likely) disappearance in the middle of the night never to be seen again. But now we've finally taken the first step in not giving in whenever a gang of lunatics with tea-towels round their faces threatens to kill us because they don't like what we say. I would rather see (and fight in) WWIII between the West and the Arab world over this than lose this freedom to these maniacs. Fuckin' A!! Today is a great day!

And it's a great day for another (closely related) reason. Last night Blair and Charles Clarke failed in their attempts to get the use of "abusive and insulting" language towards a religion made illegal. Incidentally, the original wording was for "abusive and insulting" language, not just "threatening" language or incitement to hatred; as such the repeated government assertions that this was not the case were lies. Me saying "XXXXXism is a stupid religion" would therefore have been illegal. That strikes me as a more than slightly dangerous piece of legislation.

The new law now bans the direct incitement to hatred; this is well-meaning but misguided as it makes the publication of most religious texts (that have a habit of calling for the death of unbelievers) illegal. For example:

Islam: "Have no unbelieving friends. Kill the unbelievers wherever you find them." Surah 4:89
Christianity: Read any of the new testament and you'll find passage after passage for hatred of Jews.

Anyway, I have the right to say what I want about any religion I choose. If they get upset that's tough. Should I want to say "What do you call 10 Muslims standing in a line? A fuse.", I can. It may not be true or funny, but I have the right to say it. If I want to hate a religious group (e.g. Jehovahs witnesses) I can; we do not have thoughtcrime in our society. I can tell other people to hate them if I want, they don't have to listen. I can't tell other people to attack or murder them (not that I want to in most cases), that's incitement and is already illegal.

Attempting to illegalise hatred will make it fester, not make it lessen. This law, even in its watered down form is a dangerous affront to free speech and will be counter-productive to what it aspires to achieve. I for one would like to see it squashed by someone taking a Bible/Koran publisher to court for incitement to religious hatred against Jews/everyone (respectively).