English, mother-fucker! Do you speak it?

"English, mother-fucker! Do you speak it?" Jules Winnfield, Pulp Fiction.

No would appear to be the answer for most of the so-called 'native' English speakers in the world. There are literally thousands of idiotic phrases, that mean absolutely fuck-all, that people use everyday because they're too stupid to actually express themselves properly (yes, I suffer from this too, which is probably why it annoys me so much). Here's a list of the one's that really piss me off (N.B - there are some here that even I never use because they're so stupid!!)

FYI (For your information) - Possibly the most stupid phrase in existence at the moment, especially when expressed in acronym form. If what you are saying isn't for my information, then why the fuck are you telling me? Why are you wasting my time with your incessant banality? Why don't you just fuck off, you're making my head hurt?

At the end of the day - Another close contender for stupidest phrase ever. A favourite amongst footballers when the ol' brain doesn't work fast enough to complete the sentence they've started: "We came out to win, they gave us a good fight but.... er.. well, at the end of the day, we won the game". No you didn't, you've just won, and it's now 3 in the afternoon! It's not the end of the day at all! The rest of us suckers still have 2 hours or more at WORK!

Like, you know - Ah, a famous one (and one I too am guilty of using ). Example: "And I was like 'yeah', and she was like 'yeah', and I was like, you know 'yeah'". I hate it when someone says "you know" in a sentence. No, I don't know, that's why I'm listening to you talking about it. If I knew, I'd fuck off away from you as fast as humanly possible.

You know what I mean - An extension of the above this one's really fucking annoying, primarily because the answer is always NO! Only people who haven't got a point, or who are too stupid to express what they have got say this: "It was really bangin', like, you know what I mean". No, no I bloody don't because what you've just said doesn't mean anything, you moron!! This is also an example of that really irritating habit of accentuating a statement like a question that seems to be infecting everyone these days: repeat after me "It is not necessary for the pitch of your voice to rise at the end of every sentence". Bloody chavs!!!

Right, let us move on. I'm going to combine my two favourite topics now; cars and aggressive nationalism:

Germany - Big, powerful, efficient but dull! Absolutely no sense of fun. Any German car at first appears to be a piece of engineering excellence before crumbling and collapsing in on itself humiliatingly and totally after 4-6 years. Now available with automatic emergency stop feature, which doesn't work!

Italy - Fast and stylish but ultimately lacks any substance. Move within 10 feet of an Italian car and it'll be in a heap on the floor screaming foul play.

USA - Refuses any attempt to change direction at all, too large, and ultimately fucking pointless. Designed to use all the petrol in the world before the Middle East develops sufficiently to need much.

Japan - Bedecked with the latest gadgets and gizmos that really aren't necessary. Especially the hybrid Toyota Prius. With the power that thing churns out, never again will the car in front be a Toyota.

Britain - Made by Germans or Yanks. Yet the British influence is still there; the most beautiful new car on the planet is an Aston. And THE most beautiful car on the planet EVER is a Jag.

France - The rioters choice: highly flammable, rolls easily and are cheap to replace. No engineering quality whatsoever: competes with oil tankers for maneuverability, ugly, and only accelerates down hills, backwards.

Incidentally, the French also have no idea how to advertise cars. The new Renault Clio advert proudly declares "French car, British designers". Merciful Christ!! Didn't they realise this is approximately the same as saying:
"The new Renault Clio, sculpted from a single piece of elephant manure using nothing but teaspoons and featuring the World's first gearbox made entirely from bubblegum."

Advertising, now there's something else that pisses me off. But that's enough for today, I have important beer drinking to get to. It's Friday!

Creationalism: The World's stupidest idea?

Several people have been asking why I've not posted anything for some time. Well, the reason is that I've not been sufficiently angry about anything for ages; but now I am. In fact I'm really fucking livid. And the cause of my vexation? Intelligent design.

Intelligent deisgn (definition) - Barmy circular belief system (I can't bring myself to use the term 'theory' to describe it; a theory has to have at least a small chance of being true) which states that the Universe is too complicated to have evolved naturally, and hence some higher power must have been responsible.

Even the most stupid/sleepy amongst you must have noticed that this definition begs the following question: who, then, created the higher power? By the above argument, the higher power must have been created by a correspondingly higher power. And, to take intelligent design to its 'logical' conclusion, we therefore have an infinite hierarchy of higher powers. Assuming these higher powers to all be 'God' (which is a given in monotheism), God therefore exists at the bottom (I know a true infinite list has no "bottom") of the list, and is hence very far from being the greatest being in the Universe. We ultimately then arrive at the conclusion that advocates of Intelligent Design believe God is powerless and so are destined for internal damnation (ha! In your face, loonies!!).

As an aside, creationalism holds that God created Earth in 6 days. Why would it take an all-powerful being 6 whole days to create Earth? If it did, it would've taken him fucking ages to create the Universe. And, as an all powerful being who created the entire Universe, why would He be governed by 'days', which is an arbitrary unit of time specific to Earth (erk! I'm a pedantic geek! Oh well, at least I'm right ;-))?

This is all very amusing stuff at first glance, but is in fact extremely dangerous. The driving force behind the spread of garbage, er, creationalism, in American schools is the absolute belief that the Bible must be followed literally; take for example, this quote from an American schoolgirl from the BBC's Newsnight program:

"Well, if it's not in the Bible then it's not true, because they say you should believe every word the Bible says. So, it wasn't in the Bible, so I don't believe it." (brainwashing in evidence!!!).

If you accept this 'everything is true' unquestioning view, then there are some unfortunate consequences. These are some of the things that could be taught in schools if this attitude is allowed to spread:

"If a man is caught in the act of raping a young woman who is not engaged, he must pay fifty pieces of silver to her father. Then he must marry the young woman because he violated her, and he will never be allowed to divorce her." : Deuteronomy 22:28-29

- Hence it is ok to rape a) older women, b) engaged women, c) married women.
- If the rapist is the father (not uncommon as I understand), he loses nothing.
- All raped women must spend the rest of their lives with the rapist.

"Anyone arrogant enough to reject the verdict of the judge or of the priest who represents the LORD your God must be put to death.": Deuteronomy 17:12

- Disagree with anyone claiming to be dishing out God's justice and you die.

"If a man lies with a male as with a women, both of them shall be put to death for their abominable deed": Leviticus 20:13

- The famous one, kill all homosexuals (but only men, note!).

"But if this charge is true (that she wasn't a virgin on her wedding night), and evidence of the girls virginity is not found, they shall bring the girl to the entrance of her fathers house and there her townsman shall stone her to death": Deuteronomy 22:20-21

-Women not a virgin at their wedding are to be murdered.

Ok, that's enough examples for now. I know some of these examples are slightly outdated but make no mistake, though, everyone who claims to follow the Bible literally must believe everything I've just quoted. They must or they're hippocrites! And if we allow them to teach one assertion from the Bible as truth, then they could teach any. It must be stopped now! Do we want the world's only superpower (I hate that phrase!) to become a society competing with Iran for the award of "World's Least Tolerant" (if they're not already there)?

Creationalists claim their argument is valid because "there is a lack of evidence or natural explanation for the genetic code, and [...] that fossil records are inconsistent with evolutionary theory". This strikes me as a bit rich as there's no evidence for their argument at all, and I'm far from certain either of those claims are true. In fact, their belief comes from a book of unknown origin, with no corroborating evidence. One advocate of creationalism said in the same Newsnight program I referred to previously:

"Darwin's theory says that things are related from natural selection and gene mutation, from common ancestors and we have scientific evidence that challenges that. "

Let me pose one simple question: what is this evidence? Have you ever seen any, any at all? Neither have I. And do you know why you haven't seen it? Because it doesn't fucking exist. The woman quoted above was not just twisting facts to support her cause, she was lying (incidentally a sin; good one, love).

So, to conclude: creationalists (specifically those who force it on the rest of us, or try to) are a bunch of cunts.